The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
