I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
