You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
