I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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