Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
