I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
