I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I am one with the molecules
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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