time to smoke my breakfast
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My vagina just recognized that song.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
