i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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