I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
