All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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