I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
