The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
