16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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