Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
