thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize