Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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