It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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