Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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