the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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