Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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