I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize