My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
