There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize