Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
