meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
