He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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