Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
