You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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