if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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