I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
