'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
