As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
