Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
