I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
