someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just cropdusted the office
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
