Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize