ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
