So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
In other news, I just burned my penis
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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