i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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