One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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