im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
