im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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