how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Randomize
