i already hear my dad disowning me
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
