The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize