i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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