I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize