I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
