why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
