Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize