I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
