Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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