Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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