I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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