Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just found a bag of teeth...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
