took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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