Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize