Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
