There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
