I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
