Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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