my vag is so smooth its legendary
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
