My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
