the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
