You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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