Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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